Hell Song

9.3.19

Suddenly, I don’t feel so insecure anymore…

It’s 1 AM and I’ve just gotten home from work after a stressful day at work, and yet, I feel incredibly happy. I’m chatting with a couple friends on Discord before I go to sleep.

I’ll be honest, though. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this kind of joy. The kind that doesn’t feel like it’ll disappear like the fog on a cool morning. 

I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been a giant bundle of nerves, to be quite honest. I’ve been withdrawn, only speaking when spoken to, and generally frustrated with the person I’ve been. Constantly feeling like I wasn’t good enough to do anything or associate with the people I love and care for the most. I had a week where I literally refused to map, because I felt like nothing I made would ever measure up to the mappers I admire most. The job hunt has been long and full of rejection. 

It wasn’t like anything specifically had happened to me. No triggering event to cause this tidal wave of anxiety. It just grew, like a dark, growling storm, turmoil inside of me that I felt ill-powered to conquer. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware of it either. I knew what I had to do to fix my head. I just didn’t feel like I could. It came to a head this week, when I finally lashed out hard, taking frustration out on someone who definitely didn’t deserve it. But blessings be- he asked to understand, instead of simply brushing it away. 

I’ve come to realize that staying in my own head and trying to deal with things all alone will only end in disaster. For those who have helped me along, I thank you and love you all so dearly. I’m so lucky to have such awesome friends to bring me out of the dark places I sometimes find myself in. 

I’m doing better now- started a new personal project called Dancing in the Abyss. It’s based on an Irish dance concert called Feet of Flames- something that’s long enchanted me since I was a kid. The general idea is void slaughter-esque maps on a larger scale than I’ve ever mapped before. I’m looking forward to seeing how things turn out. I’ve already had a lot of fun creating assets for it and drawing up ideas. 

The job hunt has also yielded a few results- I had a phone interview last Friday, another this Friday after my tattoo session, and I’ve been contacted to send in information for a live-in groom job in the western part of my state.

Oh yeah! And I’ve built a computer! It was a stressful 7 hours but so very much worth it! I can now play all the games I want to without having to worry about graphical settings too much. Once I get my second monitor set up, streams will be much easier as well. 

The future is vast and infinite. 

I will keep walking, and keep on living as fully as I can. I look forward to meeting new people and learning new things. And if I fall down, I’m more than determined to get back up again- I have many reasons to now. 

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